The Dance

I spend about 18 minutes of my 20 minute morning dog walk avoiding the people in my neighborhood. Only the first steps are still and calm.

Avoidance #1 – Weird Guy who’s daughter comes and knocks my door to “play”. This guy doesn’t even technically live in my neighborhood. It all started about 3 years ago when he saw us outside our house with our two dogs. He came walking over, allowing his dog (which he thinks is the same breed as mine – ps: he isn’t) to play with my dogs. Harmless enough, but that was only the beginning. It sort of morphed into this obsession, where he and/or his daughter, age 12, comes RUNNING over to our house the minute they see our door open. His daughter has knocked on our front door more times than I can count, always asking “can the girls (meaning my dogs) come out and play?” Really, you can’t make this up.

Avoidance #2 – Shortest guy on the planet with the ugliest Schnauzer I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure where this guy lives, but he makes ever effort to walk either by my house, linger on my corner or suddenly change directions to face me. Anyone who knows my dog Ellie, knows that she will not stand for that type of behavior. She hates that Schnauzer as much as I hate that guy. It’s like he’s totally oblivious to the fact that Ellie wants to eat his leg, or he just does it to really get under my skin. I think the latter.

Avoidance #3 – Lady scared of dog poop. About two alleys over there lives a lady who has two dogs. She walks them every morning and night; always the same route. She carries a poop contraption so she won’t have to lean over and pick up the poop with her bag-covered hand – like the rest of dog owners. I don’t really have a problem with the poop contraption, to each his own, but her dogs are so unruly; I don’t think she could control them without the poop contraption taking over her right hand. Oh yeah, not to mention she is typically on her cell phone.

Avoidance #4 – The children of the multi-family townhouse behind me. I call it the multi-family townhouse because neighborhood rumor had it that the owner of the 4 level townhouse divided up each floor and rented it out to a different family. Rumor, I know. Anyway, the kids are ridiculous. They see us all the time, well less now since I’m avoiding them daily, and every time they see us they ask “Oh, are those your dogs? What are their names?” But you have to picture those sentences coming out of the mouth of an obese 12 year-old with a smoker’s voice.

I know, but really, you can’t make this up.